(Turtylus Non-seeus)

What the turtles would look like if not invisible.

There are many occurrences in the home that we take for granted as just one of those things that happen. But in reality this could have been caused by the Invisible Turtles.

Habits:
Walking across ceilings, going bump in the night and upsetting the normal balance of things!

Voice:
None. They communicate with each other by telepathy.

Habitat:
Any ceiling, but most often a bedroom or living room ceiling is home.

Food:
Non-stick coatings, blue-tack, socks (but never a pair) and the water from the fish tank.

Breeding:
Probably a complicated issue that has never been witnessed. This task must be difficult for the Invisible Turtle not being able to see each other or what sex their partner is. They obviously do breed as the existence of the baby turtle has been know of long before that of the adults.

Movement and Migration:
The Invisible Turtle spends most of its life scurry around the ceiling of one building. As they grow and mature they will look for a new home moving out of their childhood home on their eighteenth birthday.

Notes:
The Invisible Turtles live in many dimensions; they may even be in your home at this very moment. Obviously being invisible you will not see them. There are many ways of knowing if they are in your home.

The water in the fish tank.
Many believe the water evaporates, even when their is a lid on the tank. It does not, the Invisible Turtles drink it.

Light bulbs blowing.
Light bulbs are made to last forever, and they would if it was not for the Invisible Turtles. Have you noticed how irregular bulbs are at blowing, and sometimes more than one bulb goes at a time. The turtles may accidently or purposefully knock the bulb causing it to blow.

A sudden unexplainable bump in the night.
This is usually caused by an Invisible Turtle falling off of the ceiling.

Tripping over something, when nothing is there.
It is not just clumsiness, stumbling over your own two feet, it’s more likely an Invisible Turtle that has just fallen off the ceiling.

The non-stick goes from your saucepans even though you have treated them just as the salesman told you.
The non-stick has been eaten, this is one of the Invisible Turtles favourite sources of food.

Another favourite source of food is socks, especially those that are in the washing machine. So it’s no wonder that sometimes we find a sock missing when taking the laundry out of the washing machine.

These are not the only things caused by the Invisible Turtles, but it gives you an idea of what they are up to. The young cause a different set of problems which can be read about here.

(Squirelus Picklus)

A Pickled Squirrel

The Pickled Squirrel is a little larger than its more normal red and grey cousins. A light brown colouring and usually has a can of cider in its paws.

Habits:
Drinking cider, throwing empty cans and acorns at passer-by’s and being a general nuisance.

Voice:
A very high pitched squeaky voice. Its speech is usually very slurred and contains many ‘hics’.

Habitat:
Inside a tree that is not too far from the off-licence. Many generations will live in the same abode being too lazy to move out and find their own, unless they know where there is a better off-licence.

Food:
Acorns and cider.

Breeding:
Most Pickled Squirrels will not remember ever breeding but there are many fatherless young pickled squirrels.

Movement and Migration:
The Pickled Squirrel will only move home if the local off-licence closes down or it knows where a better / cheaper one has opened up.

Notes:
The Pickled Squirrel is the most useless curious creature around. The only use for its existence is to keep many off-licences in business.

(Baconus Upus)

A Flying Pig

Very similar to the normal pig except for the foldable wings on either side of its body.

Habits:
Flying around and rolling in mud.

Voice:
Sounds very ‘oinking’ like but very articulate.

Habitat:
Large forests where they can search for truffles or acorns.

Food:
Truffles, acorns and a variety of other nuts.

Breeding:
The Flying Pigs usually breed in the spring, high up in trees out of sight of any spectators.

Movement and Migration:
The Flying Pig is less hairy than its more normal cousins so prefers warm weather, but not too sunny. Thus the pig will fly south to a warmer climate for the winter.

Notes:
The Flying Pig is a delicacy in some countries. With the extra exercise it does and the large wings they have a very tender pork flavour. Catching one can be quite a task so they are a sought after and expensive dish. So the price of some bacon really has gone up.

(Radi Crop Locii)

A Crop Circle Locust

Unidentifiable from the ordinary locust on the outside. But with a highly mathematical mind.

Habits:
Eating fields of corn and the like in mathematical circular patterns.

Voice:
The Crop Circle Locust has no voice but can make a harsh humming sound with its back legs.

Habitat:
Fields of corns or grasses.

Food:
Wheat, barley, maize, oats and tall grasses.

Breeding:
The Crop Circle Locust breed enthusiastically for many days during the winter months when crops are in short supply.

Movement and Migration:
The Crop Circle Locusts move about according to a complicated mathematical sequence devised by the leading locust.

Notes:
The Crop Circle Locusts travel from location to location eating mathematical circle patterns in the fields they visit. It is believed by many that the they are trying to send out some special message to other groups of locusts or some other beings, maybe from another planet. The truth of the matter is they eat in these strange patterns because it amuses them. The Locusts are very intelligent creatures with very little to do so they use up their time and brain power creating the intricate crop circles that have been seen in many locations around the world. These patterns can be very intricate and you are unlikely to ever see the same patter again. Each groups’ patterns a very distinct, and different groups can be tracked by the types of circular patterns.

(Bigmonkeyus Groosomus)

A Gruesome Gorilla

Big, hairy and approximately two metres tall. The Gruesome Gorilla has a very gruesome look and very large fists. Dark, hairy body and often wearing a tie, (Males and Females).

Habits:
The Gruesome Gorilla lives to work, and works to live.

Voice:
Very deep and commanding.

Habitat:
Any well furnished abode supplied by its employer.

Food:
A wide selection of fruit, especially bananas.

Breeding:
You really don’t want to think about it.

Movement and Migration:
The Gruesome Gorilla is a hard working animal and will relocate to any area where it can find a decent paid job (not that anyone would dare to not pay a Gruesome Gorilla decently).

Notes:
The Gruesome Gorilla is a hard working creature and is most happy when carrying out hard work. They are often employed as body guards or debt collectors and are very efficient at both jobs. They have very small brains so can only carry out the simplest of tasks and don’t ask too many questions. When a Gruesome Gorilla is sent to do a task its small brain can make it very difficult to talk it out of doing it.

(Gerblus Acrobaticus)

Acrobatic Gerbil

The Acrobatic Gerbil looks very similar in size, colouring and appearance to a normal gerbil. At first glance they look very ordinary but under their front legs are small flaps that give them their aerobatic and acrobatic capabilities.

Habits:
Leaping about in the air with a great show of acrobatics late evening and early morning. Most of the daytime is spent sleeping.

Voice:
The Acrobatic Gerbil has a small squeaky voice.

Habitat:
High up in the forest canopy.
The Acrobatic Gerbils make small homes of twigs and leaves usually against the upper trunk of a tree.

Food:
Nuts from various trees. Their favourite food is horse chestnuts.

Breeding:
The Acrobatic Gerbil breeds while performing its most spectacular aerobatics. The female usually has one or two babies at a time.

Movement and Migration:
The Acrobatic Gerbil leaves home when reaching maturity to set up its own nest. It will stay there for its life.

Notes:
The Acrobatic Gerbil can be easily trained and will perform for peanuts, chestnuts or acorns. There are many teams of Flying Gerbils around the world that have been trained to perform in groups, these can be a spectacular site of synchronised acrobatics. With their great abilities they can be used for tasks other than acrobatic displays and make very skilful pickpockets.

The curious creatures came about after various conversations on IRC and through one of the news groups I was participating in at the time. The first curious creature to be know by the wider world was the invisible turtles.

A thread was started on the comp.sys.atari.st newsgroup. The thread has been compiled and made a little easier for you to read.

Special thanks go to the following people who contributed to the discussion; Guy Harrison, Rich Tietjens, John Price & Tony Greenwood.

Thanks should also go to Dan Ackerman & Paul Womar for coming up with some of the titles and acronyms I used.

Ade	Hi Atari Peoples I have some bad news, a new virus has been found, and it could easily be effecting your computer! The virus is known as BTV, or Baby Turtle Virus. This virus doesn’t seem to be very dangerous but can easily make a mess of things and COULD in the wrong situation cause serious damage!  At this time there is no known way of wiping out this virus, many suggested methods have been very difficult to carry out! (For more info on suggested methods email me!) If you have any extra info on this virus please post here so we can all share and maybe wipe out this dreadful thing ! Ooops nearly forgot to tell you the symptoms so you know what to look for and will know if you have the virus or not! Symptoms :- Extra letters appear or letters disappear in texts or typed commands, I have also noticed it occurring while I have been using IRC!
Guy	This is symptomatic, more typically BTV occurs whilst in a somnambulistic state.
Ade	It seems to happen more late at night so I think maybe there is something that triggers it to work at night!
Guy	Certain compounds can be a significant factor such as potatoes, hops and anything else which may be fermented and subsequently ingested. BTV is programmed to be mostly inactive until these conditions are met, at which time, it triggers and performs all manner of inexplicable activities.
Ade	Please let me know if you have any information! This is really getting to me now, and others.
Guy	I’m afraid you really are quite badly affected. I’m sure you are by now aware the initial symptoms are thuds in the night. The next stage is tripping over objects which are patently not there. It is some weeks before reproduction occurs and the effects you describe become pronounced. You will consider yourself unfortunate indeed, to discover that the later stages of the affliction are completely unknown.
Ade	Thanks Guy, didn’t realize it was this bad Anyway there is a programme around to help out here, it’s called Asymmetrical String Sequencer, or ASS for short which tries to help out with the problem, (written by someone called Dex), DO NOT use v0.1 as this is no help to you look, for version v0.2. version 1 called ASS_v01.lzh, version 2 called BIGASS02.lzh . Okay more info soon (I promise).
Rich	Righty-O, can I have some of that stuff, I’m not seeing anything unusual at all right now.
Ade	On, On , I’m not on anything ! BTW ASS has been found not to work so some new software is now available. The new software : Analytical Re-sequencing String Enhancer, is now available, easy to register, you get your own version. So stick your ARSE in the disc drive and load up, if any one wants to borrow your copy of the software tell them, To get their own copy instead of using your ARSE. More info about the Virus itself to be released tomorrow!
John	Ade, I’m surprised you’re recommending this, when it’s widely known to suffer from pre-emptive immunisation of the last enhanced string.
Ade	Thanks John, forgot about that, for those who still need help you’ll need to run the following prog too. Backwards Re-sequencing Enhancer And String Tester.  This programme will take a lot of getting used to. Use a test string to see if it’s ok, you will need to have a good grope around BREAST for the best effects. (The info I promised will now be here tomorrow….)
John	A good front-end for BREAST is the Intelligent Pre Processor for Literal Extensions. I can hardly wait to get my teeth into the new version.
Ade	Thanks John I think the New IPPLE Software, (From now on known as NIPPLES) is a great front end for BREAST. I’ll definitely be getting my teeth into NIPPLES   (Nearly forgot the Virus Info) (It’s got something to do with Adult Turtles.) (More information tomorrow.)
John	Ade, I normally make a charge for my services as a straight man, so you’re doing well out of me so far. As for the further info on that virus – well, it’s always “tomorrow” with you isn’t it! When it comes out, I expect you’ll post it to a new thread called “Software protection against malicious subversion”.
Ade	Wouldn’t I have to post this to lot’s of groups ? (Any knights of the round table may find the above thread of interest, so maybe not such a bad idea….)
Ade	Hello again people, You may of been wondering why the information on the Baby Turtle Virus still isn’t here!
Tony	Not really? you already told us it will be here “tomorrow”
Ade	Well it still could be, look out for excerpts from the book in the future!
Guy	Subjective argument at GMT 23:59.59?
Ade	Well due to copyright reasons and the such I can not give you the information, but for all those still interested the information and many other fascinating facts can all be found in the book, ‘The Invisible Turtles’ (I suppose TIT for short) the author is around here sometimes so I don’t want to offend him, and I thought it would be a good chance for everyone to buy the book.
Guy	The book, is, quite unfortunately, as transparent as the turtles, but if anyone wants to give me an advance then I will consider putting pen to paper in the hope that these infamous little beasties can be shown for what they truly are [more on that in the book].
Ade	(This wasn’t a publicity stunt or anything honest)
Guy	I can whole heartily vouch for the poster’s dishonesty.
Ade	P.S. (Pinch of Salt) which is what any of the above and any of the previous articles should be taken with….  Please note though I don’t believe any of this salt will kill the Turtles unless the Author can tell me differently !
Tony	HAAA! your bottle was going Ade, only a wimp would feel the need to explain that its a little iffy , just couldn’t keep it up could you, hahaha.
Guy	They got you as well. Everybody except yourself knows you meant to type “jiffy” but one of the little buggers (BT’s) got under the “j”. Salt, or S.A.L.T (Satire And Lumbago in Turtles) is a vicious rumour spread by members of the similarly named treaty which came to nothing,where said members attempted to pass legislation on the maximum length of limbs attached to the upper torso.
Ade	(It might be in the book so don’t forget to buy it!)The Invisible Turtles price £29.95 probably not available from any good book shops.
Guy	Unless I get an advance!
Tony	AT LAST!!!!!!! All the get rich schemes I have come across, and there have been more of them than perverts?? thousands of get rich posting (no offence there Rich) and finally I see one that doesn’t have a dollar sign in front of it, is this a first ?, the whole world uses the internet, but only one country posts these get rich things….then came Ade
Guy	and Swampy … )
Tony	Actually 29.95 isn’t that bad ?
Guy	Except when your calculator gives that as the answer for PI.
Ade	/me wonders how many other people will be happy with a get rich scheme! So Don’t forget available now for£29.95 …Or it could be serialised in one of those really up market newspapers! (Then again maybe not!)
Ade	HELP!, They’re coming to get me. I can’t take it anymore, They’re everywhere. HELP!Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………..
Guy	You have been infected by mumbling frogs. These creatures talk to their victim whilst asleep, making subliminal suggestions. After a period of time, the victim becomes convinced that the invisible turtles are out to get him. This is a very subtle ploy, for in fact they _are_ out to get him, except that having publicly displayed an apparent psychosis, the victim is no longer believed at all, leaving the invisible turtles free to complete their hideous work.
Ade	Hi again to all interested in the BTV and I.T.’s  This may of be of interest to some of you.Due to the increasing rise of I.T’s and BTV a course on how to deal with these problems is now available. The type of course is Special High Intensity Training, so all information can be gained in the shortest amount of time. A special introductory price of £125.00 for the full course will be charged on the return of your application at the beginning of the course.
Guy	I’ll sign up! [kitchener - pointy hand etc]
Ade	Please note this isn’t another cheap way to make money out of you it’s one of those things that we think is beneficial to you all. (The mumbling frogs will remind you of this once they’ve read this message!)
Guy	There is an ancient ritual performed by the Darwinian’s Against Ritual Lemming Exterminations & Kleptomania. It consists of going out on the town for the night, not losing your plunger, finding a doctor and removing his life force. To date the group have still not succeeded.
Ade	The application form for the course will be posted tomorrow.Also course tutors, but you can probably guess already who’s trying to make money out of you!  ooops! I mean helping you in your moment of need!
Guy	You forgot to mention that everyone gets a free Personal Organic Recyclable Natural Map of Acorn Growth. Dr Swampy
Ade	I noticed they’re drinking my goldfishes water now! and they keep moving my things!BTW, I don’t believe in mumbling frogs, they told me not to!

(Chickenus Chattyboxus)

A Talking Chicken

White feathers, yellow bird like feet and approximately 1.5 metres tall and likes to talk a lot.

Habits:
Talking, pecking the ground unconvincingly, eating pizza and talking.

Voice:
The talking chicken has a full vocal range and has no problem communicating with humans and other fully vocal species. The chickens tend to be very literate and most of them know more than one language. Male Talking Chickens often make strange crowing noises as the sun rises.

Habitat:
The Talking Chickens usually live in deep caves. This stops the uncontrollable morning crowing. The caves are furnished and have underground heating so they live in a good degree of comfort.

Food:
The chickens eat a variety of food but their favourites are pizza (vegetarian), corn (on the cob with a little butter) and French fries.

Breeding:
The Talking Chickens are a mature species and often mate for life, the females will conceive on most meetings so will breed very little over their life time. (A 1.5 metre chicken pushes out a BIG egg!)

Movement and Migration:
The Talking Chickens are know as great travellers but their homes will stay in the same place once they leave the family home. The female chicken will leave the parents home when she reaches maturity. The male will often stay, sponging off his parents as much as possible until he finds a mate.

Notes:
The Talking Chickens are very talkative creatures and happy to just spend hours talking. They are happy to talk to anyone or anything about anyone or just about anything (except the weather, which they think humans talk about too much).

(Catapi Energus)

Energy Caterpillar

Small, cute and wriggly. Often found on cabbage leaves and waving a small flag with its tail.

Habits:
Eating mushrooms, cabbages and various leaves and thinking about relativity.

Voice:
Has no voice. Communicates by waving little coloured flags with its tail, similar to semaphore

Habitat:
The Energy Caterpillar can usually found on the underside of a cabbage leaf.

Food:
Leaves. Mainly those of the cabbage variety.

Breeding:
Infertile in this immature state. Can only breed once it has undergone metamorphosis into the Electric Moth.

Movement and Migration:
he Energy Caterpillar will live all its immature life in the same field of cabbages or in the same tree or bush.

Notes:
Most of you may not realise that the Energy Caterpillars have a great deal to do with the equation e=mc².

It is believed in many circles that the letters stood for the following : -
e = energy, m = mass, c = speed of light.

Well this is not true, would not ‘s’ or ‘l’ have been used for the speed of light. The ‘c’ stands for caterpillar.

Energy has to come from somewhere; it does not just appear out of thin air you know! So this energy is created for the world by caterpillars’. The creatures of course keep to a strict rule, so not too much energy is created at one time, that could be very dangerous!!

The caterpillar needs a source to create this energy; cabbages seem to be the prefered choice though any leaf will do.

This energy is collected from specially controlled cabbage farms and stored in small cylinder containers, usually just a few centimetres in size. These containers can be used in many of the devices used today.

(Babi Turtyus Invisiblus)

A representation of the baby turtle (or what it looks like if they were visible)

The baby turtles are invisible (and very small).  And manage to cause more than their fair share of mischeif.

Habits:
Causing havoc to electronic equipment and hiding in computer keyboards.

Voice:
None.

Habitat:
The baby turtles live in electronic equipment, light switches and fuse boxes..

Food:
The baby turtles do not need food until they mature.

Breeding:
They are babies so don’t think about that sort of thing.

Movement and Migration:
The baby turtles will stay living in the first electronic item they find until they become a teenager where they will move to the ceiling where their parents live.

Notes:
Have you ever been typing, especially late at night, and found certain letters that you typed appeared in the wrong order, or did not appear?  This is caused by the baby turtles living underneath the keyboard. You may also notice the odd letter added when not expected.

The baby turtles seem to have become more advanced over the many years they have been around and can now effect more than just typing. Have you noticed that sometimes that email doesn’t get where it is going or goes to your boss by mistake. Again this is caused by the baby turtles. They have the ability to change the order of menus, options, names as well as letters. So be very careful in what you have typed or which option you have selected.

The baby turtles a very protective of their species and can often make very curious things happen, especially to computers. While compiling these pages for no reason at all the monitor went blank for a second when it came back on everything was there except the page I was writing on the turtles.
This was an obvious ploy of theirs to stop these pages from being published.