This is most likely will not be what you are expecting, it was not what I was expecting and it came from my mind. This is the longest thought I have written and would you believe took me fives hours to write. There was no way it could be sensible but it was one single mistake that made it take the course it did. If anyone has any idea what it could really be all about, please let me know! And I apologize if you sit through and read all of this, as I said it is a little longer than the others.

The Sitting Room – Dinner is over and after a short break from each other to collect thoughts, have secret meetings, or kill Mr Timm amongst other things, all the guests have gathered in the Sitting Room for after dinner mints some polite conversation and to find out if anyone is lucky enough for a promotion this year.
Just then a scream is heard from across the hall and the maid comes running into the room.
Millie the Maid Help! Help! I think there is something wrong with Mr Timm. He looks awfully ill.
Doctor Moon Ill ? Let me through I’m a doctor. Where is he ?
Millie the Maid He’s in his study Doctor.
Doctor Moon leads the way to the Study. All the other guests follow behind Millie.
Jim Callan Well Doctor ?
Doctor Moon He’s dead Jim. But it’s worse than that he’s been murdered.
Jim Callan Murdered ! How can you be so sure ?
Doctor Moon The knife sticking out of his back was the first clue.
Jim Callan That can only mean one thing. Someone in this house must of murdered him. One of us did it!
There are gasps amongst the guests. Stuart Hill steps forward.
Stuart Hill I think we have a mystery here. An unsolved crime. We need a detective. And I do believe I fit the bill.
Graham Miller You are only a store detective.
Stuart Hill ‘Chief’ store detective. And detecting is the same what ever. It’s just a case of adding up the clues and dwindling down the suspects.
Graham Miller Well it wasn’t me.
Doctor Moon Me neither.
Jim Callan Nor me.
Stuart Hill ‘NO ONE’ is above suspicion. Everyone is a suspect. ‘NO ONE’ will be leaving the manor until we have the murderer.
Smithers the Butler It would not be a good idea to leave anyway ladies and gentlemen. There is a rather violent storm outside and a tree has fallen across the end of the drive.
Cilla Drake Shouldn’t we phone for the police ?
Smithers the Butler I am afraid that is not possible. The tree took out the phone lines too.
Jessie Turner Oh how original. We are stuck in a manor in the middle of nowhere. There’s a storm outside, the phone lines down, our host is dead , there is a murderer amongst us and the lights have just gone out.
Jim Callan No they haven’t.
Just then the lights went out!
Jessie Turner Well it had to happen didn’t it.
Smithers the Butler lights a few candles and passes them amongst the guests.
Smithers the Butler Shall we all return to the Sitting Room.
Stuart Hill A good idea Smithers. I can then get everyone’s statements and we can find out who did kill Mr Timm.
Cilla Drake How do we know it wasn’t you Stuart ?
Stuart Hill Well it wasn’t me. But I will give a statement like everyone else.
Smithers the Butler If that is all Sir, I will retire to my room. Millie will be happy to get you anything you and the other guest need.
Stuart Hill That is not all Smithers. ‘NO ONE’ is above suspicion. It could of easily been you or Millie or even the cook. Yes fetch the cook. Everyone should be in the sitting room.
Everyone makes it back to the Sitting Room. This time they are joined by Millie, Smithers and the Cook.
Stuart Hill We are gathered here to solve a murder. The murder of our employer. Probably a man who knew secrets about us all. It may well of been a secret that got him killed. The murderer is somewhere in this room and before the sun comes up I ‘AM’ going to find out who he or she is.
Just then a rather loud flash of lightning streaked across the sky followed by a bright rumble of thunder. It was at this moment that Smithers realized that something strange was going on.
Cilla Drake Surely you don’t think one of us ladies could of killed Mr. Timm.
Stuart Hill I suspect everyone at the moment. And don’t call me Shirley.
Smithers sat down. This was going to be a long night.
Jim Callan This is a bit like cluedo. It’s nearly always Colonel Mustard.
Stuart Hill It’s nothing like Cluedo. We know what the murder weapon was and where he was killed.
Jim Callan Oh! So he was definitely killed with the knife ?
Stuart Hill YES!
Smithers the Butler May I give my statement first Mr Hill ?
Stuart Hill What a good place to start. With the most obvious suspect.
Smithers the Butler I don’t think I am the most obvious one.
Stuart Hill Of course you are. It is nearly always the butler who does it.
Smithers the Butler That is a mis-conception. I’ve never known a butler to kill anyone. It’s all bad press and media hype. The nearest I’ve known a butler coming to killing their employer is when a friend of mine stuck a fork in his employers arm. And he assures me that was accidental.
Stuart Hill Okay, Okay. So maybe it isn’t you. But are you going to tell us what you were up to before we met outside Mr Timm’s study ?
Smithers the Butler After I had escorted you all to this Sitting Room I took Mr Timm a coffee in his study. I then returned to the kitchen to talk to the cook about her cheese cake receipe.
Cilla Drake You really wanted the receipe ?
Smithers the Butler Yes Miss Drake. I thought it was best if I destroyed it. I wouldn’t want you all to have to endure it again next year.
Cilla Drake I owe you a great debt of gratitude Smithers.
Smithers the Butler Unfortunately I did not succeed. She says she has never made cheese cake.
Stuart Hill Can we get back to the questioning please.
Cilla Drake But we are asking questions. Aren’t we Smithers.
Smithers the Butler Yes Miss Drake. We are.
Stuart Hill But it’s me who should be asking the questions. And questions about your were abouts. Talking of which. Where were you at the time of the murder Cilla ?
Cilla Drake It is Miss Drake to you. You are only a store detective. Where I am the Head of Accounting.
Stuart Hill Chief Store Detective. So where were you Miss Drake.
Cilla Drake When I left the dinning room I went for a walk in the gardens alone.
Stuart Hill Ah! So you have no one to confirm your alibi. So it could of easily been you.
Cilla Drake I said I went for the walk alone. But I did meet someone in the garden.
Stuart Hill And whom did you meet ?
Cilla Drake He was a little fellow dressed in green, called himself Patrick.
Stuart Hill Patrick ? I know of no one called Patrick working for Mr Timm. Is he some one I don’t know about Smithers ?
Smithers the Butler Well so it seems. I wouldn’t quite say that Patrick works for Mr Timm but does visit the garden from time to time. He seems to like the place. He says it makes him feel at home. He misses Ireland you see.
Stuart Hill Who is this Patrick ? And why isn’t he here ?
Smithers the Butler He’s a Leprechaun. And he’s somewhere else at the moment.
Stuart Hill Surely you don’t expect me to believe that.
Smithers the Butler When you see loud lightning and hear bright thunder you begin to believe a lot of things. And my name isn’t Shirley either.
Doctor Moon Can I interrupt here ?
Stuart Hill NO! I’m asking the questions. So Miss Drake. Your alibi is with a little green man from Ireland who doesn’t seem to be here at the moment.
Cilla Drake Yes.
Stuart Hill Did you speak to any other strange people in the garden Miss Drake or did the bottle of scotch you drank effects last only a little while ?
Cilla Drake Do you think I should tell him Smithers ?
Smithers the Butler You may as well. But I am not sure it will help your case.
Cilla Drake I also spoke to a couple of chickens
Stuart Hill And I suppose they were three foot tall and dressed in green too.
Cilla Drake No. They were four foot tall and looked like your regular white chickens.
Stuart Hill Of course. Silly me. Surely no one believes this.
Jim Callan Yes it does all sound a little strange. But then so are loud flashes of lightning.
Stuart Hill Will everyone stop going on about loud flashes. Flashes aren’t loud they are bright.
Just then to contradict Stuart and because it must be about time another one was seen. A loud flash of lightning flashed outside. This time the thunder that followed was not very bright. Stuart looked worried. Smithers looked pleased.
Stuart Hill I don’t suppose someone could find these chickens and the leprechaun and ask them about the murder.
Smithers the Butler I don’t think that would be possible Sir.
Stuart Hill Oh. Oh well! Jim, I think it is your turn to tell us where you were at the time of the murder.
Jim Callan I was teaching Millie chess in the library.
Stuart Hill All the time ?
Jim Callan Yes. Chess takes a while to learn, and longer to play. We had only managed to make two valid moves when Millie had to go and remind Mr Timm it was time to join us here.
Stuart Hill So you must of had a little time if you wanted to see Mr Timm alone.
Jim Callan I came straight here, I was the first to arrive. Speak to Graham he was last to arrive.
Graham Miller Surely you don’t think it was me ?
Jim Callan We are all suspects Graham. And who is Shirley ?
Shirely the Cook I am Shirely. But I just cooks the food and I know nothing.
Jim Callan Yes we got that idea from your cooking.
Stuart Hill So where were you Graham ?
Graham Miller Well I had three helping of the cooks cheese cake. I do so much usually like cheese cake.
Shirely the Cook But I never made cheese cake.
Graham Miller That’s good. Because it didn’t taste like cheese cake. But what was it ?
Shirely the Cook Rice Pudding.
Jim Callan But rice pudding isn’t yellow.
Graham Miller And what was the biscuit like substance on the bottom ?
Shirley the Cook That was the skin, I turned the rice pudding upside down.
Stuart Hill I have never seen the skin on a rice pudding that thick before.
Smithers the Butler Cook is a wonder in the kitchen. We often wonder how she can make some of the finest ingredients taste like cow pats.
Cilla Drake And Mr Timm puts up with it ?
Smithers the Butler He had no taste buds. He burnt them away when he was a fire eater. He swallowed once when he should of blown.
Doctor Moon May I interrupt ?
Smithers the Butler NO! Mr Hill is asking the questions.
Stuart Hill Graham you still haven’t told us where you were.
Graham Miller Well with all that pudding I was feeling rather ill. I spent all the time in the lavatory,
Smithers the Butler I can vouch for him there. Anyone eating three helpings of anything cook has made would be ill. And really is lucky if they are still alive.
Graham Miller Thankyou Smithers.
Smithers the Butler Not at all Sir. Though none of this will really matter in a little while.
Graham Miller Really ?
Stuart Hill Ok whatever, let me get on with the questioning. How about you Millie ?
Doctor Moon What about me ?
Stuart Hill I am talking to Millie. I’ll get to you later.
Doctor Moon But you know Millie was playing chess. I want to say something.
Stuart Hill Shut up Mooney. And where were you Millie.
Millie the Maid I was learning chess in the library. It is a very hard game with all those prawns and horses and rocks.
Stuart Hill And what about you Cook ?
Doctor Moon What about me ?
Shirley the Cook Shut up Mooney.
The lightning was getting louder now and the thunder brighter. And a Leprechaun was sitting on Smithers shoulder.
Patrick May I interrupt here ?
Stuart Hill I’m getting fed up with all these interruptions. I want to ask the cook some questions.
Patrick If the cook wanted to kill him she could of poisoned him. No need to stab him with a big nasty kitchen knife.
Stuart Hill No I suppose not. But I am asking the questions. And it has to be the cook if it wasn’t the Butler.
Shirley the Cook I did not kill Mr Timm.
Stuart Hill So where were you when the murder happened ?
Shirley the Cook In the kitchen preparing the after dinner mints.
Every one stopped eating the after dinner mints and the lightning got louder as the raindrops started coming down in rhythm to Raindrops keep falling on my head. Two chickens in the garden picked up their umbrellas and began to dance.
Stuart Hill Okay Patrick, where were you at the time of the murder.
Doctor Moon Oi! What about me ? You ask an imaginary person before you ask me my whereabouts. I bet you’ll even go out in the rain and talk to the two chickens before you talk to me.
Stuart Hill I may just do that. So Patrick.
Patrick I was not here at the time.
Stuart Hill Yes, but where were you ?
Patrick It would be difficult to explain where I was, but I was not in this world.
Stuart Hill You expect me to believe that ?
Patrick You’re coming to terms with the loudness of the lightning.
Stuart Hill Well I am going to stop coming to terms with it right now!
The lightning flashed loudly for a moment then gave up. The lightning flashed brightly then the thunder rumbled loudly while the raindrops went back to that normal raindrop rhythm. Then chickens put their umbrellas away and disappeared. Patrick did not. He just sulked.
Stuart Hill So Patrick I want a better answer.
Patrick I cannot give you a better answer. But I have a better question.
Stuart Hill But I am asking the questions.
Doctor Moon And I want to answer them.
Patrick Why do you get to ask all the questions ? I think it is time you answered a few.
Doctor Moon I’ll answer any ones questions. Please someone ask me a question. Anything, I don’t mind what it is. Anyone, anything will some one please speak to me.
Stuart Hill Okay Patrick. Ask me a question. I have nothing to hide.
Patrick Why is there always a teaspoon left at the bottom of the washing up bowl ?
Stuart Hill What ?
Patrick It is quite a plain and simple question. Why is there always a teaspoon left at the bottom of the washing up bowl ?
Stuart Hill That is a silly question. Ask me a proper one. We are meant to be solving a murder here.
Patrick You are not doing very well. We are no where near the answer and the sun will be up soon.
Stuart Hill Well are you going to ask me a proper question or shall I go back to asking the questions ?
Patrick Well I have to ask you where you were.
Stuart Hill I was …. I was …. I was …… Where was I ?
Patrick You don’t know ? Or are you finding it difficult to make something up ?
Stuart Hill I can’t remember. But I am sure it wasn’t me.
Doctor Moon Can I say something now ?
Stuart Hill Go on then Mooney.
Doctor Mooney Thank you. I did it. I killed Mr Timm in the bathroom with the shot gun.
Stuart Hill No you never.
Doctor Mooney Yes I did. I am confessing. I did it. It was me. I was the one who murdered Mr Timm. I hit over the head with the lead pipe in the cellar.
The lightning began to flash loudly once again.
Stuart Hill You said it was in bathroom with the shotgun a moment ago.
Jim Callan And we know it was neither. We found him in the Study with the knife in his back.
Patrick I think you will find you are all wrong of course.
Smithers the Butler I am afraid Patrick is probably right. But shall we return to the Study to stop any arguments.
Once again they cross the hall to the study. There they find no body and no big nasty kitchen knife. This causes lots of concern over their own states of mind and if the cook had put any strange substances in the rice pudding.
Patrick I did say you were all wrong.
Stuart Hill So where is Mr Timm ?
Patrick Mr Who ?
Jim Callan Mr Timm, Our boss, the guy who invites us up to his manor every year for a meal on the last day of work before Christmas. The man who has been paying my wages for the last twenty years.
Patrick Never heard of him. Have you Smithers ?
Smithers the Butler No Sir, can’t say I have.
The room was full of very confused people and the sky was full of confused rain drops. The people did not know what to do, the rain drops made their ways back up to the clouds.
Cilla Drake If Mr Timm isn’t dead and maybe doesn’t even exist, what are we doing here ?
Graham Miller And who are we ? I thought I worked for Mr Timm.
The cook was rather worried herself. She knew she had been cooking meals for Mr Timm for a very long time, to find out he did not exist was definitely worrying.
Millie the Maid Does this mean I will have to find a new job ?
Patrick It would seem so. But I wouldn’t worry about it too much, it will all work out in the end.
Jessie Turner, who had not said anything for a very long time, and had been ignored more than Doctor Mooney, picked her nose. She had wanted a new nose for a very long time and she rather liked the little narrow one sitting on the tray before her.
Jessie Turner May I say something ?
Stuart Hill Of course Jessie, I forgot you were there.
Jessie Turner Yes I think everyone did. Do you like my new nose ?
Cilla Drake It’s lovely darling, but I think it goes the other way up.
Jessie Turner Yes I know. But I get colds so easily, and I just though it would stop all those runny noses.
Cilla Drake Yes dear!
Stuart Hill Can we get back to the point at hand.
Graham Miller What was that then.
Stuart Hill The murder.
Jim Callan But Mr Timm does not exist, so he can’t of been murdered.
Patrick No, but I think this script has.
Sidney Draper Well I think things are just going from bad to worse.
Jessie Turner Yes, where did you come from ?
Sidney Draper Been here all the time, just no one knew it.
Jessie Turner I see. Do you like my new nose ?
Sidney Draper Shouldn’t it be the other way up ?
Just then the phone rings and the cook begins to eat her toes.
Jim Callan I thought the telephone lines were down.
Smithers the Butler They were. Mr Draper was not here and the cook does not usually eat her feet.
This had even passed what Smithers was used to, and he had been through some things in his time. By now Cook had reached he ankles.
Cilla Drake Is that really a good idea Shirely ?
Shirely the Cook Probably not. Will some one answer the phone.
As the cook begins to crunch up her thigh bones Smithers answers the phone.
Smithers the Butler Hello ? …… Yes …… Yes …… I See ….. You sure ? ……. I See …. Yes …… Yes ……. Oh ! …. Goodbye.
Stuart Hill Well what was that all about ?
Smithers the Butler Well it seems that now Mr Timm does not exist we are no longer in his employment. Shirley is no longer a cook, Millie is no longer a maid and I am no longer a butler.
Shirley the Ex-Cook Makes no difference to me. I’ve finished my legs, I’ll start on my fingers now.
Jim Callan Can’t you go and do that somewhere else. It is rather disgusting.
Shirley the Ex-Cook Why didn’t you ask me earlier. I’ve eaten my legs now, I can’t just get up anymore and walk away.
Jim Callan Can’t you sort of drag yourself away ?
Shirley the Ex-Cook Look I’m halfway through this one. Just don’t worry about it there will be nothing left of me soon.
Jim Callan There will still be your head.
Shirley the Ex-Cook Well put me on the table and surround me with fruit. I’ll just look like a talking table decoration then.
Graham Miller Now the phone is working shouldn’t we call the police ?
Smithers And tell them what ? Good evening officer, I’d like to report the murder of somebody that doesn’t exist.
Jim Callan Eeuuurrrggghhh! Can someone cover her up ? That is totally disgusting, how can she eat her insides like that.
Cilla Drake Besides it being physically impossible, her insides can’t be very good if she has been eating any of her own food.
Graham Miller Just the thought of it is making me ill.
Stuart Hill Well the rain has stopped and the lightning has got a lot quieter now.
Sidney Draper Yes, and I haven’t seen a flash of thunder for a while now.
Jim Callan Do you think we could all go home now ?
Stuart Hill Sound like a good idea.
Cilla Drake Jessie, be a good girl and put your nose back the right way around. You’ll get funny looks otherwise.
Millie What shall I do now. I’m not a maid any more.
Smithers You could always become a cook. This place is going to need a new one. Heads aren’t really good at being cooks.
Cilla Drake Any idea what they are good for ?
Sidney Draper Make a good football if you cut off the nose and ears.
Shirley I could always give instruction in the kitchen.
Smithers Fortunately she wont be able to do much when you don’t follow her instructions.
Jim Callan You’ll have to wait until some else buys this place though, there will be no one to cooks for until then.
Patrick I though I had better interrupt here. There was something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while and I just remembered what it is.
Doctor Moon We have cheese for tea ?
Patrick NO! Mr Timm had this Manor especially built for himself.
Stuart Hill So ?
Graham Miller I think what he is getting at is if Mr Timm doesn’t exist neither does this manor.
Stuart Hill Well it’s here isn’t it.
Just then the sun began to shine, a very strange event for the middle of the night, and the manor never existed.
Jessie Turner No it’s not.
Stuart Hill This is beginning to get really confusing.
Sidney Draper Beginning ? It is a long way past beginning !
Cilla Drake I just wish it was somewhere near the end.
Patrick The end may be nearer than you think.
Sidney Draper Thank God for that!
Patrick Then again, it may not.
Sidney Draper I wish it was, I don’t know how much more of this I could take.
Jim Callan Well with the sun out it shouldn’t be too difficult to find our cars.
Patrick Can I just remind you that they were company cars.
Cilla Drake You mean we have no cars ?
Patrick Yup!
Cilla Drake We are now in the middle of nowhere, the nearest village is miles away and we are going to have to walk there.
Patrick Yup!
Doctor Moon Would anyone miss me if I went ?
Patrick Nope!
Doctor Moon Okay, goodbye all.
Doctor Moon then went. He did not walk off into the sunset or run into a nearby forest. He went out of existence. Doctor Moon was now gone and existed as much as Mr Timm. This upset things a little, it was not a scheduled departure. For this reason and this reason only Sidney turned into a squirrel and scurried off into the woods.
Patrick Well that is two less of you to worry about.
Cilla Drake So you have some control over us ?
Patrick No, not in the slightest. I am just keeping an eye on you. I have no control over what is going on, I would of stopped this a long while ago.
Cilla Drake Can you have a word with whoever does and get them to put this to an end ?
Patrick I don’t think they would listen even if I could. And if I did it would be the end of you.
Cilla Drake Oh!
The sun set over the northern horizon as a car pulled up. It was empty and seemed to be awaiting some specific passengers.
Cilla Drake A car! I think it wants some of us to get in, but who ?
Patrick You may get in Cilla, this will then be over for you. Jim You may enter too. And Graham and Jessie if you would like to get into the vehicle.
Cilla, Jim, Graham and Jessie got into the car relieved that it was now all over for them, said their goodbyes then drove off into the sun set (yes the sun is setting again!)
Stuart Hill I bet that hurt.
Shirley the Head Yes driving into a sun set must scorch a little.
Smithers Well at least it is over for them now.
As they walked down the path they now seemed to be walking down, they noticed a squashed squirrel. Recently squashed by a recently passing car. A car that just burned up in the setting sun. The squirrel was once Sidney but now just road kill.
Patrick Well Stuart and Shirley it is time for you two to go now.
Stuart Hill Oh well, it has been nice knowing you all. Even in these strange circumstances I think I sort of enjoyed myself.
Smithers Yes this evening has been a bit different to most.
Millie Goodbye Mr Hill, goodbye Cook, I mean Shirely.
Shirely Goodbye All. Patrick how are we going ?
Patrick You get to go with a bang.
Stuart Hill And me ?
Patrick More of a whoosh.
Stuart Hill A whoosh ? Sounds very strange to me.
Patrick I think you’ll like it though.
Stuart Hill suddenly found himself whooshing up into the sky like a rocket firework, he then exploded into several million pieces scattering the sky with stars of many colours. He was happy to do this.
Shirley My turn now.
Shirley gave out an enourmous bang. A bang that was brighter than any of the thunder they heard that day. As soon as the brightness of the sound dimmed a loud flash was seen from horizon to horizon. The bright bang and the loud flash sent forces flying everywhere and sent Patrick, Millie and Smithers flying through the air.
Patrick WOW! That was some bang.
Millie Well I suppose it is our turn now.
Patrick You both have a while longer yet. There is a village up ahead I think we have time to stop and have a drink together.
Smithers I think that would be nice. This is my last one of these, and this has got a little stranger than most.
Millie You have done these before ?
Smithers Yes but they never go this far. Something stops them long before.
Millie Why did every one do strange things and think they had so much fun in the sitting room ?
Smithers But they did. What we saw was just part of it, the strange things that have gone on out here since the manor did not exist were just to finish off the fun they had in the sitting room.
Patrick Stuart had been flying all the time he asked the questions. That was why he liked asking the questions so much.
Millie So what I saw was nothing really ?
Patrick I am afraid so. All the fun happened somewhere else.
Millie So it is all a lot stranger than I thought.
Smithers Maybe next time you will see some of what goes on behind the scenes.
Millie You mean there is a next time for me ?
Patrick Oh yes my girl, I think there will be quite a few next times for you.
Smithers Shall we go in ?
They had reached the small village and the only pub the village had. They went in ordered their drinks and sat down near the window. Besides the Landlady there was no one else but them in the pub. I was all quiet it seemed that their journey had come to its end.
Millie Smithers, can you tell me any thing before you go ?
Smithers It is a while yet, I can answer many questions for you.
Millie Just one for now. What is your first name ?
Smithers What an odd question, you’re going to see more of these strange instances and glimpse at what the guests get up to. And you ask me what my name is.
Millie All of that I will find out. But if this your last time, that is something I will not find out later.
Smithers The name is Robert.
Millie Thank you Robert.
Patrick That was something I did not know myself. Only having one name myself Robert I thought you did too.
Robert Smithers You are a special case Patrick, one name is enough for you, some of us need a few more.
The three now best friends stayed and drank for a while. But the time eventually came that they had to go. They left the pub and the village behind them as the sun began to rise in the east. This was a real sun rise on another real day.
Patrick It’s time to go Robert. How would you like to go ?
Robert Smithers I know exactly how I want to go. Just the way Stuart did.
Robert Smithers began to whoosh up into the sky as the sun continued its rise, he screamed with glee as he exploded into a million colourful pieces that scattered across the sky, enhanced by the light of the morning sun.
Patrick Well that is it. It’s all over now.
Millie What now ?
Patrick Until next time.
Millie Until next time.
THE END!
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