Witterings

Whodunit?

The Sitting Room:
Dinner is over and after a short break from each other; to collect their thoughts, have secret meetings, or kill Mr Timm amongst other things, all the guests have gathered together for after dinner mints, some polite conversation and to find out if anyone is lucky enough for a promotion this year.
A scream is heard from across the hall and the maid comes running into the room.
Millie the MaidHelp! Help! I think there is something wrong with Mr Timm. He looks awfully ill.
Doctor MoonIll? Let me through I’m a doctor. Where is he?
Millie the MaidHe’s in his study Doctor.
Doctor Moon leads the way to the Study. All the other guests follow behind Millie.
Jim CallanWell Doctor?
Doctor MoonHe’s dead Jim. But it’s worse than that he’s been murdered.
Jim CallanMurdered! How can you be so sure?
Doctor MoonThe knife sticking out of his back was the first clue.
Jim CallanThat can only mean one thing. Someone in this house must of murdered him. One of us did it!
There are gasps amongst the guests. Stuart Hill steps forward.
Stuart HillI think we have a mystery here. An unsolved crime. We need a detective. And I do believe I fit the bill.
Graham MillerYou are only a store detective.
Stuart Hill‘Chief’ store detective. And detecting is the same what ever. It’s just a case of adding up the clues and dwindling down the suspects.
Graham MillerWell it wasn’t me.
Doctor MoonMe neither.
Jim CallanNor me.
Stuart Hill‘NO ONE’ is above suspicion. Everyone is a suspect. ‘NO ONE’ will be leaving the manor until we have the murderer.
Smithers the ButlerIt would not be a good idea to leave anyway ladies and gentlemen. There is a rather violent storm outside and a tree has fallen across the end of the drive.
Cilla DrakeShouldn’t we phone for the police?
Smithers the ButlerI am afraid that is not possible. The tree took out the phone lines when it fell.
Jessie TurnerOh how original. We are stuck in a manor in the middle of nowhere. There’s a storm outside, the phone lines down, our host is dead, there is a murderer amongst us and the lights have just gone out.
Jim CallanNo they haven’t.
Just then the lights went out!
Jessie TurnerWell it had to happen didn’t it.
Smithers the Butler lights a few candles and passes them amongst the guests.
Smithers the ButlerShall we all return to the Sitting Room.
Stuart HillA good idea Smithers. I can then get everyone’s statements and we can find out who did kill Mr Timm.
Cilla DrakeHow do we know it wasn’t you Stuart?
Stuart HillWell it wasn’t me. But I will give a statement like everyone else.
Smithers the ButlerIf that is all Sir, I will retire to my room. Millie will be happy to get you anything you and the other guests need.
Stuart HillThat is not all Smithers. ‘NO ONE’ is above suspicion. It could have easily been you or Millie or even the cook. Yes fetch the cook. Everyone should be in the sitting room.
Everyone makes it back to the Sitting Room. This time they are joined by Millie, Smithers and the Cook.
Stuart HillWe are gathered here to solve a murder. The murder of our employer. Probably a man who knew secrets about us all. It may well have been a secret that got him killed. The murderer is somewhere in this room and before the sun comes up I ‘AM’ going to find out who he or she is.
Just then a rather loud flash of lightning streaked across the sky followed by a bright rumble of thunder. It was at this moment that Smithers realized that something strange was going on.
Cilla DrakeSurely you don’t think one of us ladies could of killed Mr. Timm?
Stuart HillI suspect everyone at the moment. And don’t call me Shirley.
Smithers sat down. This was going to be a long night.
Jim CallanThis is a bit like Cluedo. It’s nearly always Colonel Mustard.
Stuart HillIt’s nothing like Cluedo. We know what the murder weapon was and where he was killed.
Jim CallanOh! So he was definitely killed with the knife?
Stuart HillYES!
Smithers the ButlerMay I give my statement first Mr Hill?
Stuart HillWhat a good place to start. With the most obvious suspect.
Smithers the ButlerI don’t think I am the most obvious one.
Stuart HillOf course you are. It is nearly always the butler who does it.
Smithers the ButlerThat is a misconception. I’ve never known a butler to kill anyone. It’s all bad press and media hype. The nearest I’ve known a butler coming to killing their employer is when a friend of mine stuck a fork in his employers arm. And he assures me that was accidental.
Stuart HillOkay, Okay. So maybe it isn’t you. But are you going to tell us what you were up to before we met outside Mr Timm’s study?
Smithers the ButlerAfter I had escorted you all to this sitting room I took Mr Timm a mug of coffee in his study. I then returned to the kitchen to talk to the cook about her cheese cake recipe.
Cilla DrakeYou really wanted the recipe?
Smithers the ButlerYes Miss Drake. I thought it was best if I destroyed it. I wouldn’t want you all to have to endure it again next year.
Cilla DrakeI owe you a great debt of gratitude Smithers.
Smithers the ButlerUnfortunately I did not succeed. She says she has never made cheese cake.
Stuart HillCan we get back to the questioning please?
Cilla DrakeBut we are asking questions. Aren’t we Smithers?
Smithers the ButlerYes Miss Drake. We are.
Stuart HillBut it’s me who should be asking the questions. And questions about your where about. Talking of which. Where were you at the time of the murder Cilla?
Cilla DrakeIt is Miss Drake to you. You are only a store detective. Where I am the Head of Accounting.
Stuart HillChief Store Detective. So where were you Miss Drake?
Cilla DrakeWhen I left the dinning room I went for a walk in the gardens alone.
Stuart HillAh! So you have no one to confirm your alibi. So it could have easily been you?
Cilla DrakeI said I went for the walk alone. But I did meet someone in the garden.
Stuart HillAnd whom did you meet?
Cilla DrakeHe was a little fellow dressed in green, called himself Patrick.
Stuart HillPatrick? I know of no one called Patrick working for Mr Timm. Is he some one I don’t know about Smithers?
Smithers the ButlerWell so it seems. I wouldn’t quite say that Patrick works for Mr Timm but does visit the garden from time to time. He seems to like the place. He says it makes him feel at home. He misses Ireland you see.
Stuart HillWho is this Patrick? And why isn’t he here?
Smithers the ButlerHe’s a Leprechaun. And he’s somewhere else at the moment.
Stuart HillSurely you don’t expect me to believe that?
Smithers the ButlerWhen you see loud lightning and hear bright thunder you begin to believe a lot of things. And my name isn’t Shirley either.
Doctor MoonCan I interrupt here?
Stuart HillNO! I’m asking the questions. So Miss Drake. Your alibi is with a little green man from Ireland who doesn’t seem to be here at the moment?
Cilla DrakeYes.
Stuart HillDid you speak to any other strange people in the garden Miss Drake or had the effect of the six glasses of wine you had with dinner worn off?
Cilla DrakeDo you think I should tell him Smithers?
Smithers the ButlerYou may as well. But I am not sure it will help your case.
Cilla DrakeI also spoke to a couple of chickens
Stuart HillAnd I suppose they were three foot tall and dressed in green too?
Cilla DrakeNo. They were four foot tall and looked like your regular white chickens.
Stuart HillOf course. Silly me. Surely no one believes this?
Jim CallanYes it does all sound a little strange. But then so are loud flashes of lightning.
Stuart HillWill everyone stop going on about loud flashes. Flashes aren’t loud they are bright.
Just then to contradict Stuart and because it must be about time another one was seen. A loud flash of lightning flashed outside. This time the thunder that followed was not very bright. Stuart looked worried. Smithers looked pleased.
Stuart HillI don’t suppose someone could find these chickens and the leprechaun and ask them about the murder?
Smithers the ButlerI don’t think that would be possible Sir.
Stuart HillOh. Oh well! Jim, I think it is your turn to tell us where you were at the time of the murder.
Jim CallanI was teaching Millie chess in the library.
Stuart HillAll the time?
Jim CallanYes. Chess takes a while to learn, and longer to play. We had only managed to make two valid moves when Millie had to go and remind Mr Timm it was time to join us here.
Stuart HillSo you must have had a little time if you wanted to see Mr Timm alone?
Jim CallanI came straight here, I was the first to arrive. Speak to Graham he was last to arrive.
Graham MillerSurely you don’t think it was me?
Jim CallanWe are all suspects Graham. And who is Shirley?
Shirley the CookI am Shirley. But I just cooks the food and I know nothing.
Jim CallanYes we got that idea from your cooking.
Stuart HillSo where were you Graham?
Graham MillerWell I had three helping of the cooks cheese cake. I do so much usually like cheese cake.
Shirley the CookBut I never made cheese cake.
Graham MillerThat’s good. Because it didn’t taste like cheese cake. But what was it ?
Shirley the CookRice Pudding.
Jim CallanBut rice pudding isn’t yellow.
Graham MillerAnd what was the biscuit like substance on the bottom?
Shirley the CookThat was the skin, I turned the rice pudding upside down.
Stuart HillI have never seen the skin on a rice pudding that thick before.
Smithers the ButlerCook is a wonder in the kitchen. We often wonder how she can make some of the finest ingredients taste like cow pats.
Cilla DrakeAnd Mr Timm puts up with it?
Smithers the ButlerHe had no taste buds. He burnt them away when he was a fire eater. He swallowed once when he should have blown.
Doctor MoonMay I interrupt?
Smithers the ButlerNO! Mr Hill is asking the questions.
Stuart HillGraham you still haven’t told us where you were.
Graham MillerWell with all that pudding I was feeling rather ill. I spent all the time in the lavatory,
Smithers the ButlerI can vouch for him there. Anyone eating three helpings of anything cook has made would be ill. And really is lucky if they are still alive.
Graham MillerThank you Smithers.
Smithers the ButlerNot at all Sir. Though none of this will really matter in a little while.
Graham MillerReally?
Stuart HillOkay whatever, let me get on with the questioning. How about you Millie?
Doctor MoonWhat about me?
Stuart HillI am talking to Millie. I’ll get to you later.
Doctor MoonBut you know Millie was playing chess. I want to say something.
Stuart HillShut up Mooney. And where were you Millie.
Millie the MaidI was learning chess in the library. It is a very hard game with all those prawns and horses and rocks.
Stuart HillAnd what about you Cook?
Doctor MoonWhat about me?
Shirley the CookShut up Mooney.
The lightning was getting louder now and the thunder brighter. And a Leprechaun was sitting on Smithers shoulder.
PatrickMay I interrupt here?
Stuart HillI’m getting fed up with all these interruptions. I want to ask the cook some questions.
PatrickIf the cook wanted to kill him she could of poisoned him. No need to stab him with a big nasty kitchen knife.
Stuart HillNo I suppose not. But I am asking the questions. And it has to be the cook if it wasn’t the Butler.
Shirley the CookI did not kill Mr Timm.
Stuart HillSo where were you when the murder happened?
Shirley the CookIn the kitchen preparing the after dinner mints.
Every one stopped eating the after dinner mints and the lightning got louder as the raindrops started coming down in rhythm to Raindrops keep falling on my head. Two chickens in the garden picked up their umbrellas and began to dance.
Stuart HillOkay Patrick, where were you at the time of the murder?
Doctor MoonOi! What about me? You ask an imaginary person before you ask me my whereabouts. I bet you’ll even go out in the rain and talk to the two chickens before you talk to me.
Stuart HillI may just do that. So Patrick.
PatrickI was not here at the time.
Stuart HillYes, but where were you?
PatrickIt would be difficult to explain where I was, but I was not in this world.
Stuart HillYou expect me to believe that?
PatrickYou’re coming to terms with the loudness of the lightning.
Stuart HillWell I am going to stop coming to terms with it right now!
The lightning flashed loudly for a moment then gave up. The lightning flashed brightly then the thunder rumbled loudly while the raindrops went back to that normal raindrop rhythm. Then chickens put their umbrellas away and disappeared. Patrick did not. He just sulked.
Stuart HillSo Patrick I want a better answer.
PatrickI cannot give you a better answer. But I have a better question.
Stuart HillBut I am asking the questions.
Doctor MoonAnd I want to answer them.
PatrickWhy do you get to ask all the questions? I think it is time you answered a few.
Doctor MoonI’ll answer anyone’s questions. Please someone ask me a question. Anything, I don’t mind what it is. Anyone, anything. Will some one please speak to me?
Stuart HillOkay Patrick. Ask me a question. I have nothing to hide.
PatrickWhy is there always a teaspoon left at the bottom of the washing up bowl?
Stuart HillWhat?
PatrickIt is quite a plain and simple question. Why is there always a teaspoon left at the bottom of the washing up bowl?
Stuart HillThat is a silly question. Ask me a proper one. We are meant to be solving a murder here.
PatrickYou are not doing very well. We are no where near the answer and the sun will be up soon.
Stuart HillWell are you going to ask me a proper question or shall I go back to asking the questions?
PatrickWell I have to ask you where you were.
Stuart HillI was …. I was …. I was …… Where was I?
PatrickYou don’t know? Or are you finding it difficult to make something up?
Stuart HillI can’t remember. But I am sure it wasn’t me.
Doctor MoonCan I say something now?
Stuart HillGo on then Mooney.
Doctor MooneyThank you. I did it. I killed Mr Timm in the bathroom with the shot gun.
Stuart HillNo you never.
Doctor MooneyYes I did. I am confessing. I did it. It was me. I was the one who murdered Mr Timm. I hit him over the head with the lead pipe in the cellar.
The lightning began to flash loudly once again.
Stuart HillYou said it was in bathroom with the shotgun a moment ago.
Jim CallanAnd we know it was neither. We found him in the Study with the knife in his back.
PatrickI think you will find you are all wrong of course.
Smithers the ButlerI am afraid Patrick is probably right. But shall we return to the Study to stop any arguments?
Once again the guests and staff cross the hall to the study. There they find no body and no big nasty kitchen knife. This causes lots of concern over their own states of mind and if the cook had put any strange substances in the rice pudding.
PatrickI did say you were all wrong.
Stuart HillSo where is Mr Timm?
PatrickMr Who?
Jim CallanMr Timm, our boss, the guy who invites us up to his manor every year for a meal on the last day of work before Christmas. The man who has been paying my wages for the last twenty years.
PatrickNever heard of him. Have you Smithers?
Smithers the ButlerNo Sir, can’t say I have.
The room was full of very confused people and the sky was full of confused rain drops. The people did not know what to do, the rain drops made their way back up to the clouds.
Cilla DrakeIf Mr Timm isn’t dead and maybe doesn’t even exist, what are we doing here?
Graham MillerAnd who are we? I thought I worked for Mr Timm.
The cook was rather worried herself. She knew she had been cooking meals for Mr Timm for a very long time, to find out he did not exist was definitely worrying.
Millie the MaidDoes this mean I will have to find a new job?
PatrickIt would seem so. But I wouldn’t worry about it too much, it will all work out in the end.
Jessie Turner, who had not said anything for a very long time, and had been ignored more than Doctor Mooney, picked her nose. She had wanted a new nose for a very long time and she rather liked the little narrow one sitting on the tray before her.
Jessie TurnerMay I say something?
Stuart HillOf course Jessie, I forgot you were there.
Jessie TurnerYes I think everyone did. Do you like my new nose?
Cilla DrakeIt’s lovely darling, but I think it goes the other way up.
Jessie TurnerYes I know. But I get colds so easily, and I just though it would stop all those runny noses.
Cilla DrakeYes dear!
Stuart HillCan we get back to the point at hand?
Graham MillerWhat was that then?
Stuart HillThe murder.
Jim CallanBut Mr Timm does not exist, so he can’t have been murdered.
PatrickNo, but I think this script has.
Sidney DraperWell I think things are just going from bad to worse.
Jessie TurnerYes, where did you come from?
Sidney DraperBeen here all the time, just no one knew it.
Jessie TurnerI see. Do you like my new nose?
Sidney DraperShouldn’t it be the other way up?
Just then the phone rings and the cook begins to eat her toes.
Jim CallanI thought the telephone lines were down.
Smithers the ButlerThey were. Mr Draper was not here and the cook does not usually eat her feet.
This had even passed what Smithers was used to, and he had been through some things in his time. By now Cook had reached he ankles.
Cilla DrakeIs that really a good idea Shirley?
Shirley the CookProbably not. Will some one answer the phone.
As the cook begins to crunch up her thigh bones Smithers answers the phone.
Smithers the ButlerHello? …… Yes …… Yes …… I See ….. You sure? ……. I See …. Yes …… Yes ……. Oh ! …. Goodbye.
Stuart HillWell what was that all about?
Smithers the ButlerWell it seems that now Mr Timm does not exist we are no longer in his employment. Shirley is no longer a cook, Millie is no longer a maid and I am no longer a butler.
Shirley the Ex-CookMakes no difference to me. I’ve finished my legs, I’ll start on my fingers now.
Jim CallanCan’t you go and do that somewhere else. It is rather disgusting?
Shirley the Ex-CookWhy didn’t you ask me earlier. I’ve eaten my legs now, I can’t just get up any more and walk away.
Jim CallanCan’t you sort of drag yourself away?
Shirley the Ex-CookLook I’m halfway through this one. Just don’t worry about it there will be nothing left of me soon.
Jim CallanThere will still be your head.
Shirley the Ex-CookWell put me on the table and surround me with fruit. I’ll just look like a talking table decoration then.
Graham MillerNow the phone is working shouldn’t we call the police?
SmithersAnd tell them what? Good evening officer, I’d like to report the murder of somebody that doesn’t exist.
Jim CallanEeuuurrrggghhh! Can someone cover her up? That is totally disgusting, how can she eat her insides like that.
Cilla DrakeBesides it being physically impossible, her insides can’t be very good if she has been eating any of her own food.
Graham MillerJust the thought of it is making me ill.
Stuart HillWell the rain has stopped and the lightning has got a lot quieter now.
Sidney DraperYes, and I haven’t seen a flash of thunder for a while now.
Jim CallanDo you think we could all go home now?
Stuart HillSounds like a good idea.
Cilla DrakeJessie, be a good girl and put your nose back the right way around. You’ll get funny looks otherwise.
MillieWhat shall I do now? I’m not a maid any more.
SmithersYou could always become a cook. This place is going to need a new one. Heads aren’t really good at being cooks.
Cilla DrakeAny idea what they are good for?
Sidney DraperMake a good football if you cut off the nose and ears.
ShirleyI could always give instruction in the kitchen.
SmithersFortunately she wont be able to do much when you don’t follow her instructions.
Jim CallanYou’ll have to wait until some else buys this place though, there will be no one to cook for until then.
PatrickI though I had better interrupt here. There was something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while and I just remembered what it is.
Doctor MoonWe have cheese for tea?
PatrickNO! Mr Timm had this manor especially built for himself.
Stuart HillSo?
Graham MillerI think what he is getting at is if Mr Timm doesn’t exist neither does this manor.
Stuart HillWell it’s here isn’t it.
Just then the sun began to shine, a very strange event for the middle of the night, and the manor never existed.
Jessie TurnerNo it’s not.
Stuart HillThis is beginning to get really confusing.
Sidney DraperBeginning? It is a long way past beginning!
Cilla DrakeI just wish it was somewhere near the end.
PatrickThe end may be nearer than you think.
Sidney DraperThank God for that!
PatrickThen again, it may not.
Sidney DraperI wish it was, I don’t know how much more of this I could take.
Jim CallanWell with the sun out it shouldn’t be too difficult to find our cars.
PatrickCan I just remind you that they were company cars.
Cilla DrakeYou mean we have no cars?
PatrickYup!
Cilla DrakeWe are now in the middle of nowhere, the nearest village is miles away and we are going to have to walk there.
PatrickYup!
Doctor MoonWould anyone miss me if I went?
PatrickNope!
Doctor MoonOkay, goodbye all.
Doctor Moon then went. He did not walk off into the sunset or run into a nearby forest. He went out of existence. Doctor Moon was now gone and existed as much as Mr Timm. This upset things a little, it was not a scheduled departure. For this reason and this reason only Sidney turned into a squirrel and scurried off into the woods.
PatrickWell that is two less of you to worry about.
Cilla DrakeSo you have some control over us?
PatrickNo, not in the slightest. I am just keeping an eye on you. I have no control over what is going on, I would have stopped this a long while ago.
Cilla DrakeCan you have a word with whoever does and get them to put this to an end?
PatrickI don’t think they would listen even if I could. And if I did it would be the end of you.
Cilla DrakeOh!
The sun set over the northern horizon as a car pulled up. It was empty and seemed to be awaiting some specific passengers.
Cilla DrakeA car! I think it wants some of us to get in, but who?
PatrickYou may get in Cilla, this will then be over for you. Jim You may enter too. And Graham and Jessie if you would like to get into the vehicle.
Cilla, Jim, Graham and Jessie got into the car relieved that it was now all over for them, said their goodbyes then drove off into the sun set (yes the sun is setting again!)
Stuart HillI bet that hurt.
Shirley the HeadYes driving into a sun set must scorch a little.
SmithersWell at least it is over for them now.
As they walked down the path they now seemed to be walking down, they noticed a squashed squirrel. Recently squashed by a recently passing car. A car that just burned up in the setting sun. The squirrel was once Sidney but now just road kill.
PatrickWell Stuart and Shirley it is time for you two to go now.
Stuart HillOh well, it has been nice knowing you all. Even in these strange circumstances I think I sort of enjoyed myself.
SmithersYes this evening has been a bit different to most.
MillieGoodbye Mr Hill, goodbye Cook, I mean Shirley.
ShirleyGoodbye All. Patrick how are we going?
PatrickYou get to go with a bang.
Stuart HillAnd me?
PatrickMore of a whoosh.
Stuart HillA whoosh? Sounds very strange to me.
PatrickI think you’ll like it though.
Stuart Hill suddenly found himself whooshing up into the sky like a rocket firework, he then exploded into several million pieces scattering the sky with stars of many colours. He was happy to do this.
ShirleyMy turn now.
Shirley gave out an enormous bang. A bang that was brighter than any of the thunder they had heard that day. As soon as the brightness of the sound dimmed a loud flash was seen from horizon to horizon. The bright bang and the loud flash sent forces flying everywhere and sent Patrick, Millie and Smithers flying through the air.
PatrickWOW! That was some bang.
MillieWell I suppose it is our turn now.
PatrickYou both have a while longer yet. There is a village up ahead I think we have time to stop and have a drink together.
SmithersI think that would be nice. This is my last one of these, and this has got a little stranger than most.
MillieYou have done these before?
SmithersYes but they never go this far. Something stops them long before.
MillieWhy did every one do strange things and think they had so much fun in the sitting room?
SmithersBut they did. What we saw was just part of it, the strange things that have gone on out here since the manor did not exist were just to finish off the fun they had in the sitting room.
PatrickStuart had been flying all the time he asked the questions. That was why he liked asking the questions so much.
MillieSo what I saw was nothing really?
PatrickI am afraid so. All the fun happened somewhere else.
MillieSo it is all a lot stranger than I thought.
SmithersMaybe next time you will see some of what goes on behind the scenes.
MillieYou mean there is a next time for me?
PatrickOh yes my girl, I think there will be quite a few next times for you.
SmithersShall we go in?
They had reached the small village and the only pub the village had. They went in ordered their drinks and sat down near the window. Besides the Landlady there was no one else but them in the pub. It was all quiet and it seemed that their journey had come to its end.
MillieSmithers, can you tell me any thing before you go?
SmithersIt is a while yet, I can answer many questions for you.
MillieJust one for now. What is your first name?
SmithersWhat an odd question, you’re going to see more of these strange instances and glimpse at what the guests get up to. And you ask me what my name is.
MillieAll of that I will find out. But if this is your last time, that is something I will not find out later.
SmithersThe name is Robert.
MillieThank you Robert.
PatrickThat was something I did not know myself. Only having one name myself Robert I thought you did too.
Robert SmithersYou are a special case Patrick, one name is enough for you, some of us need a few more.
The three now best friends stayed and drank for a while. But the time eventually came that they had to go. They left the pub and the village behind them as the sun began to rise in the east. This was a real sun rise on another real day.
PatrickIt’s time to go Robert. How would you like to go?
Robert SmithersI know exactly how I want to go. Just the way Stuart did.
Robert Smithers began to whoosh up into the sky as the sun continued its rise, he screamed with glee as he exploded into a million colourful pieces that scattered across the sky, enhanced by the light of the morning sun.
PatrickWell that is it. It’s all over now.
MillieWhat now?
PatrickUntil next time.
MillieUntil next time.
THE END!
Header Image by Arek Socha from Pixabay

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